We all know about the joys of parenthood. We have heard about them, read, seen and experienced the wonderful moments that children bring to our lives. What we often do not hear as much about are the difficulties and challenges. The side of being a parent that is not so wonderful. And particularly, how these not-so-great times make us feel.
As parents we have a tendency to blame ourselves when something goes wrong with our children. We believe we must have erred and we feel guilty. But this is not so. Often things are beyond our control, and we’ve actually done pretty well. We very rarely pat ourselves on the back for all the good we have done with our kids. However, it is time we reassured ourselves. Even though we are not perfect, we are in fact good enough.
The concept of a Good Enough Parent was introduced by Dr Donald Winnicott, a Paediatrician in the 1920’s. Winnicott carefully listened to and observed child and parent behaviour for many years. In the 1930’s he turned his attention to child psychology and for the following 30 years researched, amongst other developmental phenomena, the importance and effects of security objects. After decades of observation and experiential research he formed the view that parents need only be Good Enough for their children to be secure and happily develop and grow.
By Good Enough Winnicott referred to a parent who provides a secure, reasonably attentive environment for the child to grow and develop. Enough food, comfort, emotional warmth and love and yet the parent need not strive for perfection or anywhere near it. Winnicott asserted that children need to feel cared for and secure and do not look for faultlessness in their parents. Children look for love, acceptance, understanding and a sense of usefulness and belonging in their family and the world.
I support Winnicott’s assertions that Good Enough is good enough! Provided a home is safe and physical and emotional needs are met, our children do not need perfection. And yet, even when parents provide all of these basic needs (and more) they still feel guilt that they have not done enough.
The growth and development of children and babies is a complex and dynamic process. What others observe and judge from an external perspective tells very little of the truth and depth of an individual situation. Perhaps the scenarios below are familiar to you, your family or friends?
• At her playgroup, a 3 year old girl seems to snob the adults and the other children. She won’t co-operate or engage with the other children and acts oddly. Her mother feels terrible, guilty and responsible for her daughter’s unsociable behaviour. Little do the other parents know that she has Asperger’s syndrome.
• When a father enters a supermarket with his 4 year old daughter, she starts running around and being extremely disruptive. People glare at the girl’s father as if it’s his fault. They assume poor parenting has resulted in a badly behaved child. They do not know the girl has had a sleepless night with a persistent cough, a fever and is overtired.
• When dropping her baby off at childcare, a mother is sad and worried as her son cries out for her. The baby’s cries get louder as he is handed over to staff. The mother feels all eyes are on her and that other parent’s blame her for her son’s apparent difficult behaviour. The fact is that separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage for babies and most children will experience at some stage.
It is easy to judge and make assumptions from the outside and equally as easy to assume responsibly from the inside. The scenarios above illustrate this quite simply.
And so as parents we experience doubt (am I good enough?) and responsibility (it’s my fault). This in itself is not bad, provided it is not too intense.
We need to recognise ourselves as good enough parents. Forget about any guilt. When we remember this, confidence in our parenting and ourselves will follow.
